Textbook definitions
by Shanna1
Summary: Colonel O'Neill is explained to a new Lt.
1. Malapropisms

Malapropism - Mrs Malaprop, a character in the Sheridan play "The Rivals" who always says the wrong word in place of common words.  
  
"You have to watch out for Colonel O'Neill's use of malapropism." Major Samantha Carter advised one of the new lab technicians.  
  
"What do you mean ma'am?" Lieutenant Thomas asked.  
  
"He has a tendency to use the wrong word when he's talking about anything scientific."  
  
"Yes ma'am."  
  
"Good morning campers." Jack said cheerily as he walked into her lab.  
  
"Good morning sir. Lieutenant Thomas this is Colonel O'Neill, leader of SG- 1."  
  
"Good morning sir." The Lieutenant said instantly.  
  
"First day?" Jack asked.  
  
"Yes sir."  
  
"Welcome aboard. Don't let Carter work you too hard." Jack picked up a paperweight from the desk.  
  
"Yes sir."  
  
"So whatcha doing today Carter?" He asked.  
  
"We gained some air samples from the temple when Daniel went to visit with Nick yesterday."  
  
"Ah Nintendos."  
  
"Neutrinos sir." Sam corrected giving the Lieutenant a knowing glance.  
  
"That's what I said Nintendos."  
  
"Yes sir." Sam said giving in.  
  
"I thought they went through things no matter how dense?"  
  
"They do sir." Sam confirmed.  
  
"So how come you were able to take samples that didn't disappear through the glass?" He asked logically.  
  
"We're not actually testing for neutrinos sir, we know they're there we just want to test the rest of the air content."  
  
"Ah well air can wait, we have somewhere to be."  
  
"Sir?" Sam questioned she would have remember they were supposed to be having a meeting somewhere.  
  
"Team breakfast, are you coming willingly or am I going to have to order you?"  
  
"I've just got to give Lieutenant Thomas something to do."  
  
"Ten minutes otherwise I'm sending Teal'c to kidnap you."  
  
"Yes sir." She said with a smile.  
  
"Lieutenant." Jack said backing out of the door.  
  
"Sir." Once Jack was gone he said. "I see what you mean."  
  
"Don't take it from that he's stupid, he's a lot smarter than he cares to admit. He's a brilliant tactician, he's also very protective of his team."  
  
"Yes ma'am."  
  
"Start with these." Sam handed him a set of files to read. "I'll show you around more when I get back."  
  
"Yes ma'am."  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
Two days later.  
  
"Ah Lieutenant.. "Jack stopped.  
  
"Thomas sir." He supplied.  
  
"Lieutenant Thomas, Major Carter sent me to get I want to say crocodile."  
  
"Alligator clips sir?" He guessed.  
  
"Yeah sure. Lot's of alligator clips and a screwdriver."  
  
"What type of screwdriver sir?"  
  
"Huh?" Jack asked.  
  
"What type of screwdriver sir? Big, little, flat headed, the electric screwdriver."  
  
"She just said she needed a screwdriver. Look help me out here grab every screwdriver you can find and I'll get the alligator clips."  
  
"Yes sir." Lieutenant Thomas quickly picked up every screwdriver in sight. "Where are we taking them?"  
  
"My office."  
  
"Yes sir." He followed Jack to the elevator.  
  
"Here you go Carter." Jack dumped the alligator clips on the desk and the Lieutenant added the pile of screwdrivers.  
  
"What's all this sir?" Sam asked.  
  
"Alligator clips and screwdrivers just like you asked for."  
  
"Sir, I sent you to find the earthed screwdriver . I only mentioned alligator clips so you would mention which one I meant."  
  
"How was I supposed to know that?" Jack protested.  
  
"What's wrong with the computer ma'am?" The Lieutenant interjected.  
  
"Something is wedged somewhere it shouldn't be." Jack scowled at her. "The rest is classified. While you're here Lieutenant can you go and ask Sgt Siler for the O-Com box."  
  
"O-Com." He repeated.  
  
"Siler will know what I mean,"  
  
"Yes ma'am." He rushed off.  
  
"Colonel you know you're going to have to stop putting things in your floppy disk drive."  
  
"It's not my fault the disk got jammed is it?" Jack protested.  
  
"With all due respect sir you could have called IT support, they would have come and helped."  
  
"I've already called them three times this week. The darn thing keeps crashing."  
  
"Then you could have called me instead."  
  
"You think I can't get one little floppy disk out of a computer by myself?" He asked.  
  
"All evidence would point to that sir." She knew that comment was bordering on insubordination but she knew Jack would let it go.  
  
"Major, what has he............." Siler stopped when he saw Jack. "Sorry sir I didn't see you there."  
  
"Call me when you've fix it." He said to Sam before he left.  
  
"Yes sir." Sam waited a second. "Lieutenant follow him. If he goes anywhere near my lab get one to the SF's to page me CCO."  
  
"CCO?" He questioned.  
  
"Carter, Colonel O'Neill." Siler supplied. "The Colonel is bored as SG-1 don't have a mission for a few days. He tends to get touchy-feely with the doohickeys in Major Carter's lab."  
  
"He also has a tendency to break them, as we don't know what they are at the moment that could be a bad idea."  
  
"Doohickey?"  
  
"The Colonel doesn't need to learn what each piece of equipment is so he dubbed them 'doohickeys', It stuck, that's what we refer to the alien artefacts as until we figure out what they are." Sam supplied. "You'd better go or you'll lose him."  
  
"Yes ma'am." 


	2. Socratic Irony

"Dr Jackson have you seen Colonel O'Neill?" Lieutenant Thomas asked.  
  
"He was headed to the commissary with Teal'c a few minutes ago. Why?" Daniel asked.  
  
"Major Carter asked me to make sure he doesn't go to her lab."  
  
"Did he break something again?" Daniel said with a smile.  
  
The Colonel did something to his computer. Major Carter doesn't want his boredom to damage any of her doohickeys."  
  
"I see you're learning about the idiosyncrasies of Colonel O'Neill. What else have you found out?"  
  
"He frequently uses malapropisms." He replied.  
  
"Don't forget the Socratic irony." Daniel stated.  
  
"Socratic irony?" The Lieutenant questioned.  
  
"Socrates, an Ancient Greek philosopher. He had a principle which was deemed Socratic irony which basically said that people pretend to be ignorant or unaware in discussions? Jack does it a lot, he uses the fact that people think he's not as smart as he really is and the fact that he hides behind sarcasm as a tactical advantage. He knows a lot more than anyone ever gives him credit for, especially about what Sam says."  
  
"I see Dr Jackson. Thank you I'd better get back to Locating Colonel O'Neill."  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
"It's fixed." Sam said as she sat down in the empty chair next to Jack. "Here's your floppy disk and your house key." She placed them on the table.  
  
"Thanks."  
  
"You no longer have a floppy disk drive sir. We put in a zip disk and we upgraded your CD-ROM to a CD-RW, which I will show you how to use at a later date."  
  
"Thanks I think."  
  
"Excuse me a minute sir." Sam got up and walked over to Lieutenant Thomas. "Thank you Lieutenant. Report to Dr Phillips he has some objects you can work on."  
  
"Yes ma'am." The Lieutenant got up and left.  
  
"You had him tailing me?" Jack asked as she sat back down.  
  
"Yes sir. I have some rather delicate new equipment and doohickeys in my lab and I didn't want them broken. I apologise sir."  
  
"I'm ready." Daniel said walking in dressed in civilian clothes.  
  
"Going somewhere Daniel?" Jack inquired.  
  
"Actually we all are." Sam said before Daniel could reply. "I had to get General Hammond to sign the requisition form for the new parts for your computer. Once I explained what had happened he suggested we all leave the base, so if you agree sir I thought we'd all go paintballing."  
  
"You're leaving the base?" Jack questioned.  
  
"Yes sir. Although I might be safe here with the SF's and their guns when I tell you."  
  
"Tell me what?"  
  
"While I was waiting for the new parts to arrive I beat your high score. I'd better go and change." She got up from the table.  
  
"Why you... Carter."  
  
"Yes sir?" Sam asked.  
  
"We'll take my SUV. Meet us topside in twenty minutes."  
  
"Yes sir."  
  
"The perfect example of not realising the obvious." One of the airman commented.  
  
"Textbook."  
  
THE END 


End file.
